Tuesday, November 29, 2005

the love is gone

I don't love my job. I used to love teaching. I even like the students, most of the time. But right now, I'm too burned out and depressed and stressed and worried about losing my job to have much more than fear of it. This school is rough. I can handle that. The students are rough. I can handle that, too. The demands are high. Story of my life. But my motivation is nearing bottom.

Second day back at work and L comes down with a 103 temp. The husband takes off today to be with her and volunteers to take off tomorrow too since it's supposedly the day of my second big evaluation. Mind, he's already missing a day and a half at the end of the week because of some pesky little graduate degree he's been spending multiple years of his life on. Not to mention that his salary is better than mine, so his days off are that much more valuable.

(In Schwarzenagger-country, I better start shaping up by the third eval or I can kiss my job goodbye. According to the spiteful woman who is supposed to be mentoring me, I should worry about kissing my job goodbye by Christmas because she said the administration is "very concerned." Her exact words, "I don't think you can do this." Some mentor.)

I attend trainings on Saturdays. I attend staff meetings after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and a special two-hour district training after that on Tuesdays. I spend all my prep periods observing other teachers. I signed up for a Thursday evening training. I'm taking off two days of school next week for in-class trainings in two different areas. I email people for help, print out the replies, and keep them all together in a nice little brown-nosing binder. I get to school every day at 6:30 in the fucking morning. It kills me that the predominant message I get is that this is expected, I should be doing more.

I think I'm going to cry. Is it so wrong to want a job that doesn't suck your life away?

I made a girl cry today. Some jerk was picking on her, and I came in at the wrong time, making her angry and defensive. Then she just lay her head down on her desk and cried. What can I do?


Blogger Old Man Rich said...

all you can do is your best.
and the only person really qualified to judge you is you.

and if you loose the job? hell, there are lots of jobs, but you only get one life.

1:40 AM  
Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

OMR said it for me.

2:56 AM  
Blogger Stormmaster said...

I have a lot of respect for all the people who see it as their mission to teach our children. Your report about all the resistance you have to face despite your efforts saddens me. I wish you all the best for your next evaluation and from what I have read from you so far, you have nothing to fear. I am sure the love will come back.

Cheers to you and your family.

3:24 AM  
Blogger mal said...

The O.H. is a secondary teacher here with many of the same pressures at school and home. The fact that I have the greater income has been a hard thing at times. That said, what you do is more important to society than what your SO or I do. The Governator is another politician whose time is passing. Your students time is coming and you are preparing them for it. Have faith in what you do and the value you bring.

Rich is right, you answer to yourself

The political environment like lousy weather is just another distraction to be overcome

5:00 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I love you guys.

6:32 PM  
Blogger James said...

I left teaching because it was sucking my life away, taking me away from my family and the things I wanted to do. I don't think it was wrong and I don't have any regrets (yet). Of course, the last thing I did was put together a kick-ass portfolio of lessons, evals, and letters from old students. Then I renewed my license.

Some of the best teachers I know left and did other things for awhile. Then they came back even better, so if the love is gone, try a new school, or even a new hat for awhile, but don't sweat one job. That just creates panic and a fear of taking risks.

One nice thing about leaving teaching (if the love is gone or just dormant). You can go back.

10:35 AM  

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